[Nerdlinger]

Ok, I thought my last joke was clean enough, but my mistake - here's one of my favorite "squeaky clean" jokes!

A man walks into his doctor's office to get the results of his tests. The doctor tells him, "Sir, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're dying."

"Dying! No! How... how long do I have to live?!?"

"Well," replies the doctor, "I'm afraid it's... 10."

"10?!? What do you mean?" the man cries. "Is that 10 years, or 10 days, or what?"

The doctor looks at him. "9... 8... 7..."

Edited by Nerdlinger, 28 April 2008 - 06:46 PM.

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[Chopin]

[mvine]

Does anyone know any updog ?

[frantique]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to
her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly, out of shape, my
hair is a mess and my face is full of wrinkles. Pay me a Compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

[Chopin]

*Fredil is waiting for the trial...

The following is a true story:

One night there was a thunderstorm in the area, and one customer, notorious among the tech support crowd, called:

* Customer: "Did you know about the thunderstorm? I heard that I should unplug my computer. Should I do that?"
* Tech Support: "In most cases, yes, it is best to at least unplug your phone line. Lightning sometimes causes power surges that can damage your modem."
* Customer: "Can it damage other things as well...like the phone?"
* Tech Support: "I've never heard of that happening before, but it is a possibility."
* Customer: "So do you think that I should unplug the phone from my computer and from all the phones as well?"
* Tech Support: (frustrated) "Couldn't hurt."
* Customer: "So when can I plug them all back in?"
* Tech Support: (really annoyed now) "When the storm is over."
* Customer: "How will I know when it's safe, though?"

My face lit up like a Christmas tree, and it was all I could do to keep myself breathing evenly.

* Tech Support: "I will call you."
* Customer: "Ok! Thank you!"

[frantique]

A man owned a small farm in Mississippi. The Mississippi State Wage & Hour Department claimed

he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a

week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work

around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle

of bourbon every Saturday night. He also occasionally takes my wife out to dinner."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me." replied the farmer.

[Crumb]

There was this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road one day when he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Jethro : "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "Got me some chickens."
Jethro : "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. How 'bout this: if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."
Billy Joe: "Shooo, Jethro, if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you BOTH of 'em!"
Jethro : "Okay... Uhhh... Five?"
Billy Joe: "Nope!"

Edited by Crumb, 20 May 2008 - 12:29 PM.

[mattsat]

Edit: Joke removed. Crude and distasteful jokes are against our Terms of Use, as is the use of swear words.

Edited by frantique, 20 May 2008 - 05:45 AM.

[zorba the geek]

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While
standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."

[zorba the geek]

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

[makhno]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name".

[zorba the geek]

Snow Parking

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Troy]

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

But then, where's the snow plow supposed to park?

Nice one, Zorba!

Troy

[zorba the geek]

Thank's Troy


Rednecks Drinking & Driving
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

[zorba the geek]

Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"


Frantique WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!??????

It's toooooo Dull without you

Edited by zorba the geek, 26 June 2008 - 02:28 PM.