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Joke of the Day


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#1051
BHowett

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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”



ha ha that's funny :)
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#1052
DonnaB

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It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so then he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
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#1053
BHowett

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:happy: :happy: :happy:
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#1054
DonnaB

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A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead. :rolleyes:
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#1055
DonnaB

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, its a Ferrari."
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#1056
zep516

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A Paint joke :) can't resist

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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#1057
RKinner

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A guy from Wisconsin goes down to Miami for a vacation. Having heard about the crime etc. that goes on there, he was very nervous. He goes to a bar, orders a drink, and then sits there nervously looking here and there. A native notices him and comes over to sit by him. "I notice you look kind of nervous, what's the problem?" he asks. "Well," says the guy from Wisconsin, "I've heard there's a lot of crime down here so I'm a little scared of being a victim!"
The native replies,"Oh, don't worry about that, it's just a bunch of lies! Just relax and enjoy yourself?" "Boy!" says the Wisconsinite "I'm sure glad you told me that! I was real worried! Oh, by the way, what do you do for a living down here?" "Oh! says the native "I'm a tail-gunner on the bread truck."
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#1058
DonnaB

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In a toy store, Peter selects a toy car, goes to the cash register and hands the cashier Monopoly money.

Cashier:
- Are you stupid? This isn't real money!
Peter:
- You're the stupid one. The car is not real either.
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#1059
DonnaB

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Hi Evanblue,

Welcome to Geeks to go! :)

Do not feel bad, sad or mad. Grab yourself of cup of tea, pull up a chair and allow your "devoted" friends here at GTG to turn that frown upside down.

When you need one the most and you can't find a happy thought, we're only a click away!

Have a nice day! :)

DonnaB was here! :happy:
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#1060
DonnaB

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Little Susie was attending a wedding for the first and asked her mother, "Why is the bride wearing white?"

Well, mother said; "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?" :confused:
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#1061
DonnaB

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Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner.
The conversation drifted from office, Sports to politics and then to cooking.
"I got a cook book once” said Larry.
"But I couldn’t do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.
“You said it, Larry replied, nodding.
“Every one of those recipes began the same way:

“Take a clean plate…”
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#1062
vistasucks

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transparent coffins.....are they a good idea......remains to be seen
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#1063
zep516

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A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”

He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and points to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

Edited by zep516, 25 November 2013 - 03:29 PM.

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#1064
DonnaB

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My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
(Try to get a mental picture of this.)

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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#1065
TheBigHelper

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An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check…
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
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